I’m at a crossroads; and I’m searching my heart for answers, for directions. It seems totally at a loss of what to do, of what to choose.
I have learned that I need to pray hard and examine all my motives, my pains, my goals – those that really matter. I have been at this for sometime now. The road ahead is still dark and my vision still unclear.
I am asking the universe for answers. I am exploring the different possibilities. I am considering the impending consequences. Still no answer…
All I know is that there is a gnawing in my gut telling me I am getting far from the path of my happiness. I feel lost. Fulfillment is out of reach. There is this sadness I can’t seem to fathom.
I have seen success as the world offers it and it does not give me enough joy to fill even my simple uncomplicated heart. There is this ever-widening void deep within me, haunting me even in my sleep. It tells me I am not doing what I came to do. I am not where I should be. I need to stop. Look hard at where I’m going. Choose a road to take – a road to follow for the rest of my life.
In my confusion I remember these lines from ― Brian Andreas’ “Traveling Light: Stories & Drawings for a Quiet Mind”.
“You may not remember the time you let me go first.
Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn’t that far to go.
Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up.
You may not remember any of those, but I do and this is what I have to say to you:
Today, no matter what it takes,
we ride home together.”
And then I thought of my children, my dearest MJ and Mahalaleel. I thought of my husband, always there, always patient with me. Thoughts of a cozy loving home enveloped me, of quiet talks and laughter, of books and the smell of crisp lovely pages, … Is this my cue? Oh God, help me decide.