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I’m at a crossroads; and I’m searching my heart for answers, for directions.  It seems totally at a loss of what to do, of what to choose.

I have learned that I need to pray hard and examine all my motives, my pains, my goals – those that really matter.  I have been at this for sometime now.  The road ahead is still dark and my vision still unclear.

I am asking the universe for answers.  I am exploring the different possibilities.  I am considering the impending consequences.  Still no answer…

All I know is that there is a gnawing in my gut telling me I am getting far from the path of my happiness.  I feel lost.   Fulfillment is out of reach.  There is this sadness I can’t seem to fathom.

I have seen success as the world offers it and it does not give me enough joy to fill even my simple uncomplicated heart.  There is this ever-widening void deep within me, haunting me even in my sleep.  It tells me I am not doing what I came to do.  I am not where I should be.  I need to stop.  Look hard at where I’m going.  Choose a road to take – a road to follow for the rest of my life.

In my confusion I remember these lines from ― Brian Andreas’  “Traveling Light: Stories & Drawings for a Quiet Mind”.

You may not remember the time you let me go first.
Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn’t that far to go.
Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up.
You may not remember any of those, but I do and this is what I have to say to you:

Today, no matter what it takes,
we ride home together.”

And then I thought of my children,  my dearest MJ and Mahalaleel.  I thought of my husband, always there, always patient with me.  Thoughts of a cozy loving home enveloped me, of quiet talks and laughter, of books and the smell of crisp lovely pages,  … Is this my cue?  Oh God,  help me decide.

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My head bursts with ideas and insights, my heart longs to sing its unheard songs, my fettered fingers itches to hold a pen and scribble away its cares…

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Mere Attempts at Haiku

I’ve written a haiku or two before but I’m not sure how acceptable they can be to literary critics, so they did not get published.  I did not have the guts to publish them here.

Today, however, I put away my thoughts on “the barking of the dogs” and “barking dogs” as Sir Dave described literary critics in his keynote speech during the 8th Lamiraw Workshop (2011).  I just wrote what my heart dictated and there they are…my attempts at writing a haiku.  I hope these will somehow sound acceptable to you, dear readers and fellow bloggers.

  

Like Bandits at Play

Ungentle river,

Rambling carelessly away,

Like bandits at play.

Branches

Leafless branches sway,

Ravaged by storms, by droughts…

Old woman’s gnarled hands.

Clouds

Plump cotton candies,

Angel hair, puppies and kittens…

Dreamers can get soaked.

Reality

Rainbows and dreamers

In rose-colored paradise…

Oops,  walls of granite!

Dark as Purple Smoke

 Youth and promises,

Sweetness from a lover’s tongue…

Dark as purple smoke.

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A Butterfly at Midnight

It’s the wee hours of the morning and once again I’m writing…

I just finished editing the student writers’ articles.  My body clamors for the refreshing power of sleep but that would have to wait until my husband comes to fetch me and bring me home.  It won’t be long, he’ll be here in an hour.  I already miss my bed terribly.

 I’ve been working with my student writers since Thursday and sleep is a luxury    for me these days.   This is my price to pay for loving writing and writers.  

So with my tasks done and the writers busy with their own tasks in our office, I’m left with nothing else to do but write some more.  And maybe what I’ll write about is a little creepy, but believe me I’ve never felt more comforted.

I was feeling a little lonely at around midnight…so I played Psalm 91,a  very beautiful and comforting song.  I listened to its promise of protection and special blessing of a long life.   And then, a big brown butterfly flew in the room and hovered over me.  I felt afraid at first.  And then I remembered.  This happened  twice before…

The night when I got the call that my father passed away,  a big brown butterfly came and hovered over me while I  cried and waited for the morning to come so I could go home to Dulag to be with my family.  And then at another time when I was missing my father so much, I had the same visitor.

And now, I am not afraid anymore.  I’d like to think it’s a guardian angel assuring me of his presence and protection.

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It’s 2 a.m. but I’m not lying in bed.  I’m writing…  Thunder and rain for a background music.  How’s that?

For a wife, mother, teacher and student like me  who does not have the luxury of time to write, the wee hours of the morning is a good time to indulge this flickering passion of mine. I’m not complaining, I’m actually celebrating right now.  Writing is a celebration for me.

I’m in Pampanga.  I’m blogging from Pampanga right now! After three years I’m back here writing again.  This blog was born here, so writing tonight feels like celebrating a baby’s first birthday. 

I was here in 2009 for the Camp Blog IB of the iSchools Program of the CICT.  That’s when blogging came into my life. It was the most luxurious 11 days of my life.  We stayed in plush villas in Mimosa Clark.  We were pampered with fine dining and expensive cars taking us around the Mimosa Estate.  However, it was also the most nerve-wracking writing workshop I ever had, but I always remember it with a smile.  From that experience, I learned a lot not only about writing but also about life…

I’m back in Pampanga sans villas and luxury cars.  In fact we came here on our own expense (on a loan actually).  And right now I’m writing cross-legged not on a soft bed but on the cold floor of an office in an elementary school.  I just slept on the floor!   I’m a “floor leader” tonight, this morning rather. 

It’s a far cry from what I had in 2009 but I’m happier this time.  You see, right now the thunderstorm  is made powerless by the comforting snores of my husband and the cold night is made warm by my daughter’s arms around me.  This time I’m not lonely in far away Pampanga.  My loved ones are with me.   It makes this office feels like home.

We stayed here for two days…this is in Lubao, Pampanga

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A Message to the Graduates

I came across this great message to the graduates.  It is so downright honest and straightforward.  I wish I heard this delivered on my graduation day.  I’m sharing this so you’ll enjoy it too, and perhaps get an insight or two.

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http://needlemeethaystack.com/2010/05/04/gradumacation/comment-page-1/#comment-29438

I came across this great message to the graduates.  It is so downright honest and straightforward.  I wish I heard this delivered on my graduation day.  I’m sharing this so you’ll enjoy it too, and perhaps get an insight or two.

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Camp Blog time again… nerve-wracking as ever (Photo courtesy: Camp Bloggers)

It has been unexpected…but yes, I’m back here blogging, writing, sweating it off, burning my midnight candles, and you bet, struggling with another software.  WordPress?  Oh no!  I have befriended that in the past five months, it’s called Xerte…sounds like “swerte” but when you start with it you’re everything except that.  I’m still wrestling with it at the moment trying to refine my lifeless Learning Object.

I feel blessed being with these great teachers from all over the country who are great bloggers as well.  I know I’m not supposed to be with them for I have not updated my blog for a long time for reasons too shallow to even mention.  I’m mighty glad, though , that Sir CP was so considerate as to include my name among theirs in that “master list”.

We’re in Talisay City now, particularly in Nature’s Village Hotel.  It’s in one of the cities of Negros Occidental.  It’s not as fabulous as Mimosa but  its unique  beauty  has a way of getting under your skin.  It’s my first time here in Talisay City, but I’m resigned to the fact that I will not have the time to see its sights and hear its sounds.  Writing tasks in Camp Blog 2A are just too draining and too demanding for me to have the time and energy to go around the city.

Finally, my LO has come into being…whew, what a task that was!  If you’re curious what it’s like click here.

And if you’d like to see the masterpieces of my fellow camp bloggers click here.

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My Favorite WordPress Tools

Honestly, I find all these tools useful and necessary to make a must-read blog. I like to experiment using these tools so I’ll find out what works best for my kind of blog. I also intend to make my own personal blog and another for teaching purposes.

In today’s workshop, I actually enjoyed linking for it leads me to thousands of links and possiblities. Embedding was more of a challenge at times, probably because of the slow internet speed.

In spite of the daunting challenges, I feel so blessed to be here in this Blog Camp for I learned a lot. Now I am more confident to find my way in virtual space.

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A mimosa flower portrait

I came, I saw, I was blown away!

I came to Pampanga with some expectations of what the iSchool Camp Blog experience would be like.  I knew beforehand that it would be mostly lectures  and  writing tasks.   However, nothing prepared me for the enormity of it all.

Things come in large scales here.  The Mimosa Leisure Estate  where we are right now is huge, with a full size golf course for your pleasure.   I call it the “sprawling hotel” for instead of suites in a ten-storey building we actually stay in luxurious villas!  Yes, your eyes do not deceive you… its villas, plural of villa.

To top it all, the organizers pamper us with fine dining and all the comforts any group of writers may wish for.  And I’m almost sure you’re  having the impression we’re having a good time here.  In a way maybe we do, but honestly speaking  it’s not the case most of the time.

As they say, there’s always a price to pay.  And the price for being here in this Camp Blog comes in a large scale too.  The tedious lectures and the “bloody” workshops that sometimes seem like forever.  The mind-boggling tasks that transport us  from our seats to the virtual space of the world wide web and beyond.  The complicated terms and procedures we have to master just to “bridge the digital divide”.  They drive us crazy!

At the end of the day, however, when you see the fruit of your labor you tell yourself  “It was worth it!” .   Then you can  sit at dinner, a little bit dazed perhaps,  but ecstatic over what you’ve learned and accomplished.

Hurray to the organizers and RP’s!

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